A letter I wish I recieved

The hardest time of the year is quickly approaching—holiday season.

Between thanksgiving feasts to Christmas dinners – not to forget the temptations everywhere of homemade cookies and hot cocoa, I have to fight really hard to stay ahead of Ana.

I think back to the stranger I once was. That scared, little girl who thought she was only beautiful when her body was completely empty. The girl who always had a plan of manipulation in mind to get what she wanted.

I compare her to who I am now and I struggle to fathom that this ghost was once me. This past month alone was filled with so much success and love. So many happy memories and genuine smiles. I realized MY purpose.

I wish I could talk to my younger self and tell her what I know now… but, I cant. So, instead, I hope that someone who is currently in a place like my past self will stumble upon this letter.

Dear friend,

Hey. It’s been a wild year hasn’t it? I know you’re scared. Holiday season is coming up and that normally means there will be a lot more food to eat with big groups of people. Not to mention in these big groups of people, there are those select few who will be nonchalantly watching you and they will notice any of your unhealthy tricks. Your little mind right now must be scattered with backup plans trying to figure out what tricks will work. I know you think that not eating is going to be the best thing for you, but lets stop and think for a second. Write down what you value. Now add in a goal you have for your future self. The goal can be big or small, just something that can be worked towards. You don’t have to tell me what you wrote, but just picture in your mind what your life would be like if that was the focus. I know Ana is living in your head. Telling you that all of this is a lie and that you should never trust anyone. I bet right now she just told you I am trying to make you fat. Tell Ana I say hello, and that I don’t miss her one bit. I can’t wait until we are both free from Ana.

What is more important to you? Sharing time and memories with friends or passing out after walking up a flight of stairs? Would you rather eat a cookie even if your mind is telling you how wrong that is or would you rather be in the hospital hooked up to a tube force-feeding you the nutrients you keep depriving yourself?

I have a feeling your goal for yourself was not something about having years filled with therapy and self-hate. Or spending more time in a hospital than with the people you care about. But, if you keep letting Ana in, that’s the direction you are going.

Harsh? Yeah, it is. But it is also the reality. This holiday season is about love and joy and being with people who make us feel good. Yeah I get how tempting that sounds to sleep through Thanksgiving dinner, but then, let me know how much fun you have spending your days alone in the hospital. I will always remember my 17th Thanksgiving as the day before I went to treatment.

That is Ana’s goal. Ana, the one you TRUST, is really just your escort to death. Don’t let her win. Listen to me when I say the hospital is not a fun place to be. I am pretty sure they purposely keep the EDP unit on the coldest temperature. Maybe it is so that Ana will freeze to death so that YOU can live again.

I do not expect you to take my advice and make these changes right away. You will not disappoint me as long as you keep trying. I know you’re scared. I was and still am sometimes. But now the reason I am scared is because of the consequences for how long I danced with Ana. The longer the dance, the longer it takes for organs to heal.

This holiday season, lets find a new dance partner. I will not let you feel alone or that nobody cares for you. Because I do. Even if I have never met you, I care. If you start to slip and lose hope and you do not know what to do, I am going to tell you right now what to do. You are going to reach out to myself or someone you trust. You are not going to let Ana win. You are so much stronger. You have no idea how much greatness and unconditional love there is for you. So, until you can see this on your own, I am your anchor. I will not let you forget how worthy you are.

xx Liv


Happy Post

I want to take this time to talk about the things that make me happy. So here are my top 5!

1. My Friends 

  • I really am lucky to have the friends that I have. They know everything about me and always stick by my side. They make me happy because they always know what to say or do. My friends are always up for adventures and when I’m with them I am blissfully happy. Blessed with some of the best!

2 My Job

  • I look forward to going to work everyday. I love the summer camp I work at and I adore the families I watch back in Des Moines. Working with children is what makes me unbelivably happy. Whenever I am in a low, I think of the kids I work with and that is what helps snap me out it. Honestly, my work with kids is what keeps me going and a major reason I want to teach kindergarten one day. 

3. Dancing/Running

  • I may not be the best dancer, but I am always down to hit the dance floor. My whole life I wanted to be a ballerina and a few years ago I started taking lessons. I love it! It is a great break from my busy lifestyle. Along with dancing, running is a perfect escape for me. Nothing better than headphones in and competing against myself. It’s a time of freedom.

4. My Family

  • While I have had many differences with my family in the past, they still always find some way to pick me up. Whether it’s my mom being overly concerned about my meals or my sister dragging me out to do fun things when I am feeling sad, I would be lost without their support. It gets annoying, but they have helped me through the darkest times and have seen me when I was in a pretty nasty state of mind. 

5. Meditation

  • I enjoy the things that take me away and meditating does exactly that for me. I recently started practicing Buddhism and it has really helped me better understand myself. Whether it is in the form of writing, yoga, or full out meditation I can count on it to make me feel refreshed. I try to meditate every morning and night to start the day off right. It keeps me zen and in check! 

So here is just a little snapshot of what keeps me happy. And my readers, you also make me happy. Thanks for following my story. I’m excited to have you all on this journey with me. 

Peace & Love