Im baaack

Hey. It’s been awhile and I am sorry for my absence. Things got a little crazy for me. So this post is just an update I guess of the past weeks from my last post. I have some really good ideas to write about later.

Eating wise I am doing great, yet I have been struggling to gain weight and I am currently approaching my lowest weight from back when I was 15. Its frustrating because even with two ensure plus a day; I cannot seem to gain weight. My pulse and blood pressure are out of whack and I just wish I had some answers.

This is the ugly side of an eating disorder. The side that does not get mentioned much because we strive to be strong- weakness is unacceptable; we must have zero flaws in the eyes of Ana.

I hurt my body for so long and she needs time to heal. Time that I do not necessarily have. My mood is great- I have never been so happy and content with how my life is looking. I can taste that I have a very bright and exciting future approaching in the next few months. Between having amazing placements for student teaching and just the love and support of my friends, I do not want to do anything to jeopardize my happiness.

I have so much control over Ana right now. My body just needs to replenish.

I sometimes hear people say that they are going to not eat for a couple days or talk about an extreme diet they want to try to lose weight.

When people say they wish they had control over food like I do, it makes me shudder.

I do not have control over food. Food has control over me. Not eating is not self-restraint. It is my mind screaming at me that if I eat even one chip from the bowl in front of me that I am a failure.

Anorexia is not glamorous.

Anorexia is my nightmare and I just want to WAKE UP ALREADY–HELP ME WAKEUP.

Even when I have control over her, she still finds ways to barge into my life.

I am sick of waking up shaking because I do not have enough body fat to keep me warm. I hate when my ears ring and I start to see dots. I am sick of needing to take breaks while walking up stairs. I am sick of being constantly dehydrated even after drinking what feels like an ocean. I am sick of the exhaustion followed by the hyperactivity. I am embarrassed by my body right now. I am covered in bruises because of deficiencies. I may not look sick and I do not want validation if you think I do.I just need to keep doing everything I am doing and hope that I will start to gain weight. Leggings are not supposed to be baggy. My bones are not supposed to stick out as much as they do.

I am still capable of being the successful person I am. Someone once asked me if I was concerned about this blog with the fact that future employers may find it. I put thought into it, but at the same time, spreading awareness on eating disorder is SO important to me. I will continue to advocate and bring as much light as I can.

Just because I have anorexia it does not make me any lesser of a person.

It does not make me incapable of doing the things I love.

Please just take time to understand before jumping to conclusions.

This post is a weird one for me, but it’s the only way I can reach people to understand that I am not engaging in behaviors. I am stronger than ever mentally, it is just physically where I need to find the missing piece leading to these symptoms.

Until next time..

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Flowers Need Food to Grow

Everyone always says that when you go to college you find your best friends.

Well, in my case it was partly true, but the most meaningful relations and some of the best friendships I have is with the beautiful women I was inpatient with.

As I mentioned before, I was NOT happy about going inpatient. I remember the first day sitting at the end of the table across from two beautiful girls inside and out named Hannah and Ellie. Hannah is older and she had this beautiful red hair that I was SO JEALOUS OF.  I had recently dip dyed my hair purple but man, all I could think about was how badly I wish I could pull of that red. She can draw amazing things and I already told her one of the dresses she drew is what I plan to wear for my wedding. Sitting next to her was (and still is) one of the most mature girls I have ever met. She is wiser beyond her years and she is one hell of a fighter. Also, don’t get me started on her art skills cause wow… lets talk about talent. Anna came a little bit later in the week, but even though my time with her was shorter, it did not make it any less meaningful. She always wore these amazing footie pajamas and was so genuine and motivated. (like I mean it when I say motivated… this girl did like a 1,000 dot connect the dot puzzle picture and did not go bonkers.) I always saw a little bit of my younger self in Anna (even though I am not much older than her)  which just really made it easier for us to connect.

Anyways, back to my flashback of my first day there. I remember my first conversation with Hannah and El was me saying I would be gone the next day and that this was only temporary. –but  boy was I wrong. We all joke about it to this day and Hannah and Ellie definitely exchanged looks with each other like “this girl be craaaayyy if they are going to discharge her that quick.”

We would split up for groups and have adults in one room and adolescents in the other. Hannah and I stayed together and El and Anna went across with the other adolescences. When we were not in groups or doing some form of therapy we were all sitting at the table coloring intricate pictures and talking about whatever came to mind. Honestly, my best conversations were during EDP. I really got into playing this game called speed with this one super cool chick. I got prettttty intense with it. Like almost to the point where I was afraid the nurses would mark down that I was doing a behavior or something.

We all had such different backgrounds, yet together we worked together perfectly. It wasn’t until a few days later that our lovely Anna joined the group. We would all stay up (till like 9:30!!!!) and color and read and we helped each other get through meals. Hannah was always quick with the jokes, Anna always had the positive outlook, and Ellie has this laugh that just makes everyone smile. We came up with pickup lines with our EDP ~language~ and had some interesting encounters from other units since we were on the other side of Chemical Dependency Unit and sometimes the doors didn’t shut all the way. We were able to make each other laugh, make the sucky times less sucky, and pick each other up when we noticed one falling into a behavior.

Side note: I also had the best roommate ever. We were an unlikely pair to be friends, but I think about her everyday. We both discharged on the same day and I wonder how she is doing constantly. I really miss her and I hope she will reach out to me soon.

I did not want to go inpatient at all, but when it was time to leave Linden Oaks, I was so upset because I was not ready to leave my new friends behind. I had no idea when I would see them again. These were the girls I could show my true self with. There are no limits with them—this is what true friendship looks like. Who else celebrates a poop as much as we did in EDP?  It was only about 5 days, but once I left I could not picture my life without them. Being inpatient was a blessing in disguise because it graced me with the presence of three of the strongest women I will ever know.

Luckily, Hannah, Ellie, Anna, and I keep in touch. We talk everyday and I was actually just talking to them when I got inspired to write this. I never really know how to show affection properly or how to let someone know just how much they mean to me. But Anna, Hannah, Ellie, if you guys are reading this, you mean so much more to me than you could ever imagine. You all are a huge factor in my recovery and I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. I will always be there for you and we will always be edp sisters and edwarriors together.

Sometimes, when something seems like the end, it really is just the beginning…