Fat is NOT a feeling: part 2

“I feel so fat right now.” 

What is that even supposed to mean? The last time I checked, fat is NOT a feeling. I wrote a similar post to this a year ago, so let’s make this post “fat is NOT a feeling: part 2” 

When I think I feel fat, here are some things as to what I really mean:

  • I feel sad and upset with myself right now
  • I feel ashamed for eating and loving my body
  • My eating disorder has me convinced that I can never be beautiful if I eat that food

Or I find myself being happy if I feel skinny. 

  • I am so happy with how I look right now despite the feeling that I will black out.
  • I have no energy to talk to other people but at least I ‘look’ great
  • I can only be happy if I’m skinny 

I have it convinced in my head that being fat is bad but being skinny is good. It makes me believe that if someone is fat they obviously cannot be happy with life. By associating these feelings with the feeling of be fat, it makes me kind of a brat. How can I be advocating for self-love if I still associate fat with those feelings? When I was at my lowest weight I was FAR from happy. When I was at my skinniest I wanted to be dead. Last time I checked, that’s not happiness

Fat does not equal disgust nor does skinny equal happiness. The way our bodies look have no connection to how we should feel.  When I say things like “I feel so fat right now” I need to stop and think how I’m affecting other people. And when I think I feel so “skinny right now” I need to remind myself of those cold hospital rooms. By negatively labeling fat I am just adding to this negative stigma about body image–I am convincing people they need to reflect on their body shape to decide if they’re worthy of happiness. 

Until we are able to come to this conclusion and understanding that our body shape has nothing to do with our outlook on life, we will never be happy. Until we learn to love the person living inside our skin, we will never be happy. 

Fat is not feeling nor is Skinny.  

Body Shaming Goes Both Ways

This is controversial so I will probably get some hate for this one, but this is something we do not talk about enough.

The other day I went to a party with my best friend. A comment I heard someone say about me, really stuck with me and I cannot seem to move on from it. It was something that I heard adults saying about my body.

We were going to a twenty-first birthday party and when we got there, they were grilling out. I ate dinner before I got there so when I was asked if I wanted anything I politely declined.

They told me to let them know if I got hungry later and if I wanted a burger. I let them know that I am a vegetarian and allergic to gluten. They just looked back at me and said “wow that must be a horrible diet to live on.”

I hear that a lot so that part did not bother me. What bothered me was what I heard when they thought I could not hear them. I heard them talking about my body.

The wife turned to her husband and said something along the lines that he should try being a gluten free vegetarian as well so he could lose a couple of pounds. The husband chuckled and responded with the remark, “well, I certainly do not want to whither away and be as skinny her. I could break her in half”

Normally when I hear comments about me looking skinny I feel good. It fuels Ana. But this time it made me feel sick. I am genuinely trying my hardest to gain and maintain my weight. The past couple of days I have been feeling pretty comfortable with the way I look, but when people point out that I look too skinny it really bothers me.

This is normally when a lot of people roll their eyes at me and say something like. “Oh boohoo, someone called you skinny. Such a horrible thing for someone to say.” But they do not get it. I do not go up to people and say, “Wow! I should eat like you so I can be fat!”

Society is so aware to NEVER call people fat, but we throw around the term skinny all the time.

I need to give my mom a quick shout out here: so Hey mom I know you are reading this and you’re probably so confused because I always try to get you to validate whether or not I look over or under weight. By feeling this way toward the remark I overheard, I know it is a way that I am recovering.

I do not want this validation. I do not want people telling me that I am a “skinny mini” anymore. Because I am more that. In reference to my post “I am more than just a body” being defined by looks is not how I want to be remembered.

I know I am not alone in this. I have friends that share with me how frustrated they get when they hear from people “wow teach me your ways so I can look like you!” or the common “what’s your diet? How can you eat that and NOT gain weight” Some people are just born with faster metabolisms.

Body shaming goes both ways. Body shaming affects all body types. So while some may think it is a compliment to point out how skinny someone is, sometimes its better to say nothing at all.