Pretty Girls Don’t Eat

The computer flashes and the screen displays my trigger words:

Pretty girls don’t eat.

I was 14 when I first became introduced to this sentence. I was making a collage when I first saw this quote picture on Google.

Pretty girls don’t eat.

Being a teenager about to enter high school, looks were (and still are) important to me. I was used to people calling me the “pretty” one and I enjoyed having pretty as my identity. So when 14 year old me saw this sentence I began to question everything I was doing. I did not just want to be pretty. I needed to be pretty.

“Pretty girls don’t eat. You eat everyday.

No one will love you if you are not pretty.” -Ana

It really is ridiculous that those four words have this strong of an impact on me, but boy, those 4 words will follow me to my grave. Ana loves that sentence. And Ana knows what that sentence does to me. Even right now, as I sit here in my room typing, I feel a golf ball in my throat. I am taken back to past me sitting in the closet of my old bedroom. I see myself staring at myself in the mirror for hours and crying as I pick out any flaw I can find. I see myself drawing and writing this saying all over my body with sharpie. Engraving the words “worthless” and “fat” into my skin. This sentence instantly controls me.

I am trying to provide insight of the thoughts inside my mind associated with my ED. I attached one of the saddest things I ever found in one of my old journals. I write down my thoughts. And this page…this is a screenshot of some of the things I hear everyday. This is what my ED is like. So while some people do not always treat me kindly, no one will ever be meaner than the voice in my head.

This is the mind of someone with an eating disorder.

This is why I seek constant validation.

This is why I act the way I do.

I grew up with this idea that I would be worthless for eating. I let myself give up my own happiness because of the control a sentence had over me. I let myself believe that pretty girls don’t eat. Ive done things I am not proud of because of that sentence. I lost control because of that sentence.

This is my past. I am creating my future. My future where pretty girls EAT.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s