Well, I have been bad. I’m falling back into behaviors. I noticed myself doing this, but did not want to admit. I have been restricting. I have been challenging myself with scary food, but does it really count if I deprive myself nutrients to allow for it to be okay?
I almost did not even do a fear food Friday. But then one of my coworkers offered Starbucks so I took the opportunity. I ordered an old favorite (tall triple chocolatey chip Frappuchino, no whip.) but I still hardly ate lunch. I “forgot” to bring my lunch, had my mother drop it off, but still only ate the little snacks I packed. UGH.
So I still drank the Frappuchino, went out that night and ordered a gin and tonic, and even yesterday I went down to the city and indulged in wine, and creme brûlée.
So cool Liv, congrats you’re doing experiences but still DEPRIVING yourself.
I want to get better, I really do. But gosh I cannot seem to mediate this war between enjoying food and eating because I have to. Eating feels more like a chore to me than something I need to do for my well-being.
Probably not seeing a therapist in awhile has not helped. Nor have I stuck to my treatment plan all that well. I haven’t gone to a med check recently or had blood work followed up. I want to make excuses for myself like I am too busy, but I should not live a life I’m too busy to maintain. I don’t like admitting I need help, but maybe I do. I feel on the brink of a relapse.
I’m going to unplug for awhile. This blog helps me, but maybe I should go back to keeping my thoughts private until I am more positive.
I want to finish college and I need to eat for it. I have yet to have one healthy hospital free year. Maybe I should have not finished last semester junior year and stepped down to php. I like to think I’m strong and ready for this, but without my eating disorder, I do not know who I am.
So this is a debby downer post, but at least it’s honest. I do not want to lie about my recovery or make it fake/perfect to appease others. This is what recovery is. Recovery is not a continuous upward slope of positivity. You get flat tires or lost along the way. So maybe it’s good to stop for a bit to find me again. I cannot advise others if I can’t even take care of myself.