These past couple of days I havent been too good. The main reasons are because well I am “feeling” fat. I keep thinking about the food I indulged in and the drinks I drank- how disgusting. Why is it so hard for me to enjoy food. Why cant I eat chipotle and not feel guilty for days after. I am so sick of this feeling that every bite of food I eat will make me gain 5 pounds.
I used to think that I would rather be dead than fat. How awful is that? There is so much negative connotations around being fat that the idea made me sick. But honestly, why is it such a big deal if someone is fat or skinny? Shouldnt we be striving to be healthy? Shouldnt we be working on loving the person inside our skin?
We are so used to hearing that fat is bad and being too skinny is bad. Nothing ever seems good enough. One day they say “love your curves” or the next day its all about the flat stomach. Some people are just not born to have curves or flat stomachs and thats okay! So can we stop making these things we try to obtain? I know for a fact that I will never have normal posture because my legs are extremely hyper extended. There is literally no way to fix this, so instead of feeling ashamed of the weird bend in my legs im going to embrace it. The media is constantly putting people down for the way they look, but why? This is just making people critique their own body and others. Nothing will ever be perfect. Perfect is unattainable. I like to make my life look perfect, but its just a facade. Thats all perfection will ever be.
So right now here I am hungry and afraid to eat. I have made too much progress to obsess over eating chipotle. Yes, this past week I indulged more than I normally do, but who cares. Moderation is key. I need to enjoy life not hate on it. If my friends want to get froyo, I am getting froyo. If my friends want to grab a drink, I will grab a drink. My anorexia already took away so much from me, and I am sick and tired of it. She does not get to take anything else from me.
I am a firm believer in practicing what you preach. I will not be a hypocrite. I will try to enjoy food. It wont be easy, but I need to make the effort. I am not feeling fat, I am feeling upset. FAT IS NOT A FEELING. It is sayings like that that make people ashamed of how they look. So lets refrain from saying, “omg i feel so fat now” because all we are doing is making people even more self conscious. Fat is not a word to describe feelings, nor is skinny.
So bye, I am going to go get froyo with my bff now.