Dear Body,

Dear Body,

Wow, we sure have been through a lot this past decade. From petty injuries, some major surgeries, and well from the poor way I have been treating you. I want to say sorry to you body. I am sorry that I have taken you for granted. I am sorry that I have put so much hate and pain towards you. I am sorry for all the laxatives, for depriving you of food and water, pushing you to the point of passing out and collapsing.  i’m sorry for breaking your skin and turning you into a dead girl walking. You have been nothing but good to me. You provide me long legs for running and dancing. You give me arms so I can hold those dear to me. You give me a heart beat so I can live every day to the fullest.

But I haven’t been treating you well. Now we are both suffering. If I could go back and change things I would. I remember we always had that goal to play collegiate soccer- too bad we were too malnourished to properly train. You do not deserve this pain I have put you through. So many people would be so thankful to have you, body. I have been taking you for granted and I hope you can forgive me for this.

I promise I am trying to change. I am trying to give you the fuel you need. I am trying to take care of you so we don’t keep crumbling and breaking. I love you body. It took me awhile to realize this, but I really do. You and me are a team. It’s time I start playing my part.

I can’t promise that this is going to be a quick and easy recovery, but I can promise that everyday I will do better to get better. I do not want us to suffer anymore.

With my deepest condolences and greatest amounts of love,

Liv

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“But you don’t look anorexic”

 

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Ahhh, one of the most naive remarks someone could ever say. Most people assume all anorexics are just walking skeletons and female.But lemme tell ya, anorexia has so much more to do than just being “skinny.” Anorexia does not discriminate.

My weight has fluctuated A LOT during the past years (I will never be saying sizes or numbers, because that stuff is triggering…keep it to yo self plz). I have dropped significant weight, gained weight back, dropped a little  weight again-recovery is not easy, and relapses happen. Ive been at my all time lowest weight and highest weight within the past five years.

If you look at my pictures however, i pretty much look the EXACT same. Sure some pictures i look sicker or other pictures my face looks fuller, but in general all you see in these pictures is a happy, smiling girl.

It is what goes on in my mind that makes my disease so intense. It is the fear of food. Right now, as I am in recovery mode, I am still losing weight. It is so frustrating because i do not want to be hospitalized again and i am trying so hard to restore my weight. I don’t like that I still fit into my clothes from freshman year of high school which was like six years ago.

Underneath my smile and my clothes and inside my body you do not see the signs of a healthy body. I am covered in bruises, my body grew what is called a lanugo (a fine layer of hair all over the body to help regulate temperature), my bones poke out, my heart beats way too slow, i am dehydrated even with drinking copious amounts of water and gatorade. i don’t have normal bowel movements. Not to forget the blacking out that still occurs, the ringing in my ears, the constant shaking and tiredness. Just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

Yes, anorexia can be a visible diagnosis, but often times it is so secret. This is why it is important we look out for each other. Warning signs like wearing baggy clothes, playing with food, finding excuses not to do something- these can be possible signs something is not okay.

National Eating Disorder Awareness (www.nationaleatingdisorders.org)  provides insightful tips, ways to get help, but most importantly if you think you or someone close to you could be suffering from any form of ED, take this screening, it can save a life (link below)

http://www.mybodyscreening.org/

Seriously, this is important. Just because I do not look visibly “sick” does not mean there isn’t something wrong. Let’s stop judging and start helping. The sooner we acknowledge a problem, the easier it is to recover. My ED went unnoticed for 7 years. Early intervention is crucial for successful recovery. I do not want anyone to suffer as much as myself and all the other beautiful souls who suffer as well.

I am MORE than just a body

~This post is not to come across as conceited. These are mere observations i have noticed and want to bring up. ~

I am more than a pretty face. I am more than this “perfect” body some you believe i have. I am beautiful, but my appearance has NOTHING to do with why i am beautiful.

When people say these things to me, it flatters me, but it also destroys me. It fuels my mind to think I MUST continue to look this way. I learned to accept being pretty as my identity, but i dont want to be that woman anymore. I want people to notice me for who i am as a soul. Because when my worth is only measured by my beauty, my ED only continues to destroy me.

I am a future educator, a dancer. I am a friend, i am a sister. I am loving, passionate, and enthusiastic about life.

I am Liv. I am not perfect and thats okay.

Being defined as “pretty” is not always as peachy as one thinks. I am NOT just a pretty person. I am so much more. Why is it that when we describe someone we always start with how they look? Like “oh yeah my friend, the one with the gorgeous eyes…” ….. I should be saying “oh yeah, thats my friend, the one who is going to be a kick ass member of the FBI one day.”

What i am trying to get at, is that when we only acknowledge people for how they look it can have so many negative side effects. Sure its nice to get a compliment, but theres a fine line between complimenting and defining.

So i want to apologize. I want to apologize to all the people to whom i put their beauty before their worth.

We are all beautiful- but our appearances have nothing to do with our beauty.

Fear Foods

Fear foods are real. And one of the hardest things to work on during treatment.I remember at Linden Oaks where I was inpatient we had a fear food session where we ate either cupcakes or cookies. It was hard, it was awful, but it helped us realize food is good. Our body needs it and deserves the extra sugar every now and then in moderation.

Most food is a fear food for me, but some I can tolerate. If you ask me what my favorite thing to eat is, i honestly do not know. I just dont ever seem to enjoy food. Like I have my safe foods and the fear foods. Safe foods are lettuce, apples, tomatoes, rice cakes, and fruit snacks. Some of my biggest fear foods are cake, chips, soda- but the biggest of all is BREAD.I have not eaten bread in years, but today that is going to change. Today I am challenging myself to a slice of UDI’s gluten free bread. ( I have celiacs)

So here is the emotional trauma i went through during this process:

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Here i am holding the bread in my hand. Looking at it and analyzing every part of it. (Pro tip: DO not look at labels of fear foods that just makes it even harder.)

I felt the stomach grumble and knew I needed to feed it. I am still in the weight restoration process so I challenged myself by adding peanut butter. My anxiety level was at a 7. It brought me back 3 years ago to when I had to eat lunch in my high school teachers classroom. I had PBJ everyday and I tried anything to avoid the bread. Imagine that, a life in high school where you cant gossip with friends at lunch because you need to have meals monitored- it sucked.

So now we have the first bite. I contemplated multiple times. “Do i do it?” “Should my heart be beating this fast?”13081844_10207860052933588_1990536609_n.jpg

i took a deep breath and went for it. My face says it all.

The more i ate it, the more i enjoyed. Hurrah! I conquered a fear and i did it. I ate the bread. A simple task to some, but a HUGE improvement for me. So take that Ana, I am going to go make another slice of peanut butter bread and we are going to enjoy it.

Feed your body. Challenge yourself with the things that scare you. I ate the bread and I am still alive. I ate the bread and I am still happy. Sure i was anxious, but i am one more step closer to defeating my ED.

 

 

 

 

The introduction: 4/25

Hey. I’m Liv and I have anorexia. This is a sentence that took years for me accept and say, but it is true. I have anorexia and i am not ashamed. Anorexia DOES NOT define me. I am strong, beautiful, and resilient regardless of the everyday struggles i endure. I have been struggling with my ED since around the age of seven. The point of this blog is to share the pain of an eating disorder and to also have support as i venture down the tough path of recovery.

My anorexia was bad. I would skip meals, over exercise, my body was dying, but i did not care. A common misconception with anorexia is that we starve to “lose” weight. Losing weight is a symptom. I cant explain it but i am petrified of food. Sometimes even drinking water scares me. My stomach feels happier when its empty- which i am working to change.

My goal with the blog is to inspire others. I am not going to list numbers or sizes because that can be triggering. I will not be saying the DIEt i lived on. I want to help adolescents and young adults with their EDs. Anorexia, orthorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, and EDNOS are all just as severe. There is not set image of what an anorexia looks like.I hope to change the stigma and help others feel less alone with what they’re dealing with.

If at anytime you need someone to talk to, cry with, I am there. Anorexia has been with me for 13 almost 14 years. I know what a pain she can be. Lets help each other before its too late.

xoxo,

Liv

text me/call me/ message me. i want to help you recover